How do you write about family stories whose interpretation you don’t agree with?

We all have family stories that we have heard over and over again. When they are told in family gatherings, no one expects any contradiction. After all, the stories are the accepted “truth” about someone in the family. The problem is that you don’t agree with the meaning people ascribe to it.

How do you write about these family stories you don’t agree with? There’s no problem when you are in agreement with the storyline and the interpretation, but what do you do when you are not—especially what do you do when you are out of sync with other relatives in the way you interpret the story?

You can always tell the story in the “official” version, but you will be at odds to tell the story well. When you distort your insights in order not to contradict other people’s take on your story—to “make nice,” your readers will sense that something is wrong. What’s more, they may tend to dismiss what you write. They will sense that your interpretation is not the product of insight but an instance of family white-washing.

You were never comfortable with the Aunt Phyllis story.

For instance, if you are driven (by your loyalty to a family theme) to depict a character—let’s say your Aunt Phyllis—as always fighting for good and justice, a true heroine, but in your heart, you experience her as overbearing and rigid and ramrodding her point of view on groups that were not ready for change, your readers will intuit this conflict. Distorting your point of view to support a version you do not hold will lead to inexplicable warps in your story. Even if they can’t put their finger on it, your readers will pick up that there is something wrong in the writing. At best, they will quickly keep what you say at a distance. At worst, they will distrust your writing both here and elsewhere (and possibly everywhere).

Besides, not telling the truth as you see it has a way of digging yourself into a hole. Like a “white” lie, it gets bigger and bigger until you can hardly handle it.

So tell your version of the truth. You and your readers will be glad you did.

What will you tell others in your family who disagree with you? Well… for starters, you could tell them they could write their own memoir.

Good luck in writing your memoir.

Have you had an instance of “making nice” (or not) while writing family stories you don’t agree with?