At age 54, I wrote the first 56,500 words of my first memoir draft of my book, Showbiz Survival Memoir.

It was cathartic writing a first memoir draft and getting it out of me. Honestly, it was a bit grueling though, — emotionally and even physically — to relive some of the most painful times in my life.

Writing about my violent ex-husband triggered so much anxiety that I put it all aside for a while to let it ‘simmer’ on the back burner. Even though I was writing about a situation that happened in 1996, all the emotions seemed to come back as if it were today.

I’ve kept a journal since age 8. (I have over 70 full journals from age 8 to 54). I finally put all the journals in chronological order. I thought I was ready to open one from that time: 1992–1996. One day, I took a deep breath and opened a journal from 1994. The more I read, the shakier I felt. I immediately closed the journal and put them all back in the closet.

“UGH! I’m not ready. It’s not the right time yet,”  I thought.

Resolving Past Issues Was Key To Writing A First Memoir Draft

Besides the unresolved anger towards my ex-husband, I noticed I was still holding a lot of sadness about my childhood traumas, surrounding both parents, that I still hadn’t dealt with. (They are both alive and in their late 80s.)

I felt it was all ‘too much’ for me to deal with. I was still fragile. (My dad recently had four strokes and is at the end of his life, and my mom broke her back and is not doing well). I still had so many unresolved feelings surrounding them both. Instinctively I thought I needed to resolve some of these mom-and-dad issues before I went back to the original memoir.

I went into therapy and continued journaling steadily. I did not want this memoir to be a “misery memoir” though. (I’ve read enough books on Memoir Writing to know this is a bad idea!) But, I knew I had a “Universal message of hope and survival” and a riveting story to share with a reader. I knew I had an unrelenting call to tell my story. I also felt by writing this memoir it would help my own healing process.

I knew that I would eventually get back to this memoir with more clarity and distance if I put writing my first memoir draft aside.

Pivoted Into Writing Other Books

During this time, I realized how much I loved writing. Writing has always felt like home to me. Poems seemed to be filling my journals so instead of working on the memoir I decided to divert my creative writing energy into poetry. I have published 3 “poetic” memoirs’ since 2016.

Writing these other books kept me focused on the craft of writing while the memoir simmered. I received some great feedback from reviewers — which also motivated me to continue with the original memoir.

My boyfriend suggested, “Why not write about a less daunting emotional subject?” I decided to write something lighter about other people. I began researching and interviewing people for a non-fiction book called Creative People…and What Makes Them Tick, which I published a few months ago. It helped me to get out of my own story for a while and to focus on others. Then, another poetic memoir called A.H.A! flowed from my pen, and I published that.

My Gains

I gained three things from publishing these books before the memoir:

• I “got my feet wet” as an author.
• I became braver, by revealing some ugly, embarrassing truths about myself. I knew I needed bravery and vulnerability when I returned to the memoir.
• I became a better writer.

Fresher Eyes

I am now back to working on my original memoir with fresher eyes. I bravely pulled up the 56,000-word of my first memoir draft a week or so ago and I have been going through each chapter, editing and cleaning them up.

Each chapter is getting shinier like a diamond now!

This second time through the manuscript it feels less daunting and even fun! (I feel more detached like I am writing fiction now. I am the character whom I am observing from a distance.) I am glad I am feeling far less emotional pain.

Working Daily Towards Writing A First Memoir Draft—Again

Sometimes, it feels lonely and daunting to be writing a memoir, but I also know it is a life goal and I must continue.

Happily, I think I am ready to go back to the memoir now—full force.

I also know I have so much to learn about this memoir writing process. I do know it’s a process and I’m glad I took the time to gain the distance from it.

Now on to really writing a first memoir draft—and finishing it.